Joseph Gora Reports on 149 ERA Reviewers Located in Inner City Compound. (September 18, 2011)

 The following opinion piece is reprinted from vol. 53, no. 2, 2011 of the Australian Universities Review

News flash: 149 ERA Reviewers Located in Inner City Compound.

Joseph Gora*

After many months of searching for the 149 ERA Research Evaluation Committee (REC) reviewers, intelligence services have finally located them holed up in a compound in central Woolamaloo right under the noses of three metropolitan universities. Sources reveal that the walled compound had been the site of many comings and goings over recent weeks, with local shop keepers reporting that two people from the compound regularity frequented local shops to purchase groceries, DVDs and alcoholic beverages.

‘They looked quite normal to me’, said the proprietor of Handy-Dandy Corner Mart. Local Federal Member of Parliament for Cowpat, Doris Sternface, has raised questions about why it took intelligence services so long to locate the 149: ‘It must have been obvious to anyone living locally that something was going on in there.’

Sources confirmed yesterday that lights in the compound were often on late into the night, especially over the past month. It is believed that late night meetings took place over several days in May, probably in response to tensions generated by thousands of submissions to the ERA from disgruntled academics and professional bodies regarding the journal ranking system.

On the evening following Senator Kim Carr’s announcement on 30 May that the ranking system was to be scrapped screams could be heard from the compound. One local resident said she could hear cries like: ‘Not after all that bloody work!’ and ‘I’m never doing that again! I can’t stand it!’ Intelligence experts indicate that once they breach the compound walls they expect to find a treasure trove of information, which will provide important insights into the state of mind of its residents before, during and after the cessation of the journal ranking exercise. But the most important intelligence gathered thus far has been the release of transcripts recorded from a telephone conversation involving two reviewers in the early hours of 30 May.
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The following edited extracts reveal the tensions that existed in the compound shortly after the ranking had been dropped:

Tony: Do you think we are being bugged?
 

Margaret: Aw, give over Tony, you’ve been watching too many of those James Bond movies.
 

Tony: You know how bloody sensitive this stuff is Margaret.
 

Margaret: Get over it mate. The minister will smooth it all over in no time.
 

Tony: Yes, but those bloody academics keep insisting they want to know more about us, apart from the propaganda that on the ERA website. They want to know what assumptions we brought to our assessments. They want to know why, for example, as critical scholars in the fields of arts, humanities and the social sciences we went along with the ERA project. Surely, they insist, you could see what a load of empiricist bull the journal ranking system is? We’ll be exposed and subjected to ridicule, I can just see it, my career will be in ruins, I…

Margaret: Tony, Tony, get a grip mate. If you carry on like that, we’re all finished. Look, we got into this because we believe in what we were doing, right? We believe in bibliometrics, yes? We’re strong, committed positivists, dedicated to the empirical cause, right?
 

Tony: Well, I have my doubts.
 

Margaret: What?! Don’t start with that bull Tony. We took on the job because we believe that we can measure stuff, right?
 

Tony: Well, maybe, but I…
 

Margaret: And we believe that this will improve research and scholarship in our universities, yes? And that it will ensure accountability and transparency, and improve quality, right?
 

Tony: Well, er, er, I suppose it…
 

Margaret: And we always knew that the airy-fairy brigade of academics in the arts, humanities and social sciences would say you can’t measure this or that? Right?
 

Tony: Yeh, I knew that bit.
 

Margaret: And think of how this will look on your CV Tony: a marvellous example of how you self sacrificed for the greater good of academic excellence!
 

Tony: And promotion of course!
 

Margaret: Goes without saying Tony. We’re in a win-win situation whichever way you look at it: if this exercise falls apart we’d have done our level best to make academics accountable. If it succeeds, we’ll be feted and given lots of awards.
 

Tony: But there are so many people out there who think we’ve screwed up and that this attempt to measure output is a crock. They’re even saying that if we want accountability in research how come we’re so secretive. I’ve even been called a collaborator for going along with the whole ghastly business.
 

Margaret: Tony, Tony. We’re only the foot soldiers not the planners. The ARC and Senator Carr will get it in the neck, not us. We’re covered mate. As you say, no one knows who we are! You and I know that the project has flaws, but it’s part of something much bigger than you and me; bigger than all of us.
 

Tony: But if hardly anyone thinks it's a viable way of assessing quality then what does it all mean?
 

Margaret: It means, my dear Tony that we have to close our ears off to the criticisms and proceed regardless.
 

Tony: But we have people accusing us of having brought ruination to the world of academic publications. We’ve got journals that have been trashed, academics who won’t publish in C ranked journals, and the sector in a general state of confusion. On top of that, there’s the sheer waste of time and money. If we calculated how much the dropping of the journal ranking has cost the sector, well, it’d run into zillions, would it not? Couldn’t some of that money have gone into base funding? Universities have had the begging bowl out for years.
 

Margaret: Tony, Tony. You really don’t understand this quality assurance business do you?
 

Tony: Frankly Margaret, no I don’t!
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The conversation was then interrupted by someone shouting: ‘Margaret, Margaret, it’s the Minster on the phone. He wants to talk to you now. He’s incandescent. He’s saying that the ranking is in tatters and asking whose idea was it was to rank journals and…’.
Intelligence sources believe that at this point the bug located under the dining table was discovered.
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*Joseph Gora: they seek him here, they seek him there! He is the Scarlet Pimpernel of Whackademia. Rumour has it that he once taught at a regional university somewhere in Australia.