Estragon: Vladimir?

Vladimir: What?

E: That a laptop open on your lap?

V: It is; the nice Silver Blonde lady left it with me.

E: Oh, a not so secret admirer?

V: She said I could go online if I plug it into the connection in the arm. She'll pick it up on her way home.

E: You're winding me up; besides what duya want to use it for?

V: No, its true, Mr. Gates himself came over yesterday and wired up the bench -- broadband connection.

E: Enough, Vladimir.

V: Alright it was a Telstra guy but it really is an online bench, seems some suit over there is an admirer of Mr. Beckett.

E: Ok, for the sake of peace I believe you. But what are you, oh mighty IT wizard, doing with it.

V: I'm going through Dr. Nelson's media releases, at least the ones posted on his website.

E: Vladimir, while I've known you to do some very peculiar things during your long life, masochistic behavior is something new.

V: Don't mock, this is a serious attempt to determine if there are consistent trends in the direction the Minister for Education, Science and Training is taking his department.

E: Mmm, I'd like to say I see, but I don't. Come on Vlad, elaborate.

V:  Well, the catalogue so far: in December there were 8 media releases, in  Jan.- 10,  Feb.- 15,  Mar.- 18,  Apr.- 18,  May.- 30,  Jun.- 21,  Jul.- 16,  Aug.- 32,  Sep.- 26,  Oct.- 26  so far, and counting. That gives the total at the moment of about 220. No too shabby for a tyro cabinet minister.

E: Art galleries regularly hold retrospectives to honour those who have significantly contributed to the graphic arts, do I take it you're interested in becoming a trend setter?

V: I can do without the puns, but there are certain elements that are accentuated and where a minister through his media releases has exceptional opportunities to shape the perception of his grasp and the molding of his ministry Dr. Nelson, as do his colleagues, seem to use media releases as propaganda shots some pretty cheap ones.

E: A for instance please?

V: (turning the laptop so Estragon can see the screen) Sure look at this one; October 11^th

 UNIVERSITIES – STATES AND TERRITORIES DECIDE NOT TO ADDRESS DISTRIBUTION OF PLACES
State, Territory and the Commonwealth Education Ministers have been meeting today at Ballarat in Victoria. I provided the States and Territories with the opportunity to discuss issues arising from the Review of Higher Education particularly pertinent to them. I considered that the issue of future allocation of university places in light of changes in Australia’s population distribution, year 12 participation and student demand over the next two decades would be of vital interest to the States and Territories. They declined to have this discussion.

But what was it that they did want to discuss? We're not told.

E: Vladimir, they all behave like that, the grand Poo Bah having to deal with the hoi polloi, that sort of thing. Do you really expect this minister to behave differently from the rest of them and put out verisimilar media releases?

V: It would be a refreshing change. Funny thing is I reckon it wouldn't take more than six months if he did start he'd have developed a reputation for telling it like it is; instead we get inundated with rubbish like this (mouses over to another web page):

AUSTRALIA CELEBRATES WORLD TEACHERS’ DAY
5 October, 2002 MIN 195/02

Today Australia celebrates World Teachers’ Day.
    I would like to take this opportunity to recognise the outstanding work done by Australia’s 249,629 teachers – current full and part time teachers working in government and non-government schools.
    Australian teachers rightly deserve our congratulations for their commitment to ensuring that our children receive the highest possible standard of education.
    While teaching is a demanding job, our teachers are highly committed professionals who are fully capable of meeting its challenges.
    The Howard Government is proud to be supporting teachers through the $159 million Quality Teacher Programme. This delivers high quality professional development for teachers in all States and Territories in Australia.

E: What's wrong with that seems a nice gesture even if you know some guy in the PR section wrote it.

V: Well, I suppose it's all in how you look at it.  On the face of it the money comes to a bit under $640 per teacher for the Quality Teacher Programme. Seeing as just for a start there is a severe drought of properly qualified teachers in maths and the sciences I wouldn't be too sure just how positively that money would effect the situation.
    But wait my dear, Estragon, there's more...

E: Money? Vladimir, what are you on about.

V: (continuing to work the laptop) I refer you to yet another DEST media release, but this one from the 14^th of May

BUDGET INVESTS IN QUALITY TEACHING
14 May 2002, MIN 67/02

Additional funding of $82.4 million for the Quality Teacher Programme will help keep Australian school students’ results at internationally competitive levels.
    The funding will mean the programme, which has already achieved outstanding results, will continue for a further three years until 2004-05...
    $77 million has already been invested in the Quality Teacher Programme over the last three years. By the end of 2001, 58,000 teacher participants received high quality professional development. Most of this funding went to teachers in Government schools.

Apart from not defining what "outstanding results" means, the inwardness of the matter is that $77 million had already been spent through 2001 and the $82.4 million is to get us to the 30^th of June 2005. That's what equals $159.4 million. So it's $159 million over six years (three past one present, two to come) half of that money was already spent by July 1, 2002. So from 1999 / 2000 to 2004 / 05 it averages about $26.5 million per annum or about $106 per teacher per annum. Big deal. And remember these are Dr. Nelson's figures.
    There's a sort of  Humpty Dumpty verisimilitude about it all.

E: Well, a number of those teachers are part time, and maybe a lot of teachers don't need to make use of the Quality Teacher Program.

V: Yeah, maybe, then again maybe not. In any case as far as I'm concerned its playing a bit fast and loose with the figures. Sure maybe most, may all, government departments do that and more but as far as I'm concerned it just lumps the good doctor in with the rest. Doesn't phase him, have a look at these examples of edifying departmental media releases going back to that October 11^th one:

11 October 2002 UNIVERSITIES – STATES AND TERRITORIES DECIDE NOT TO ADDRESS DISTRIBUTION OF PLACES
State, Territory and the Commonwealth Education Ministers have been meeting today at Ballarat in Victoria. I provided the States and Territories with the opportunity to discuss issues arising from the Review of Higher Education particularly pertinent to them. I considered that the issue of future allocation of university places in light of changes in Australia’s population distribution, year 12 participation and student demand over the next two decades would be of vital interest to the States and Territories. They declined to have this discussion.

10/10/2002 -- FEDERAL LABOR KEEPS PARENTS IN THE DARK
Labor's Education spokesperson, Jenny Macklin must do the right thing by Australia's parents and support moves across the country to provide schooling information to parents.

10/10/2002 UNIVERSITIES – THE STATES' PAYROLL TAX TAKE REVEALED
An analysis by the Commonwealth Department of Education, Science and Training has revealed that the States and Territories are collectively removing more than $291 million from Australia’s universities in payroll tax.

08/10/2002 LABOR’S  UNCOSTED EDUCATION PROMISES HIT $1.2 BILLION - BOB WON’T BE HAPPY JENNY Labor’s Treasury Spokesperson is, no doubt, despairing of Labor’s Education Spokesperson as she continues to make wild promises for universities without a thought of how Labor would pay for them.

Good, positive, creative, intellectual stuff; and they're just a few examples from October. How much does it cost tax payers to have these sorts of potshots sprayed around? Sure the opposition when in power did the same thing, I still find it cheap, grubby and a damn waste of resources.

E: Got any more examples?

V: Like Jimmy Durante use to say, "I got a million o' dem."
    Maybe not a million but a hell of a lot of those 220+ media releases are potshots at the state governments or the Federal Labor opposition, or are self congratulatory. It's little wonder that the mass media ignore almost all of this material. You know, Dr. Nelson might just do himself a favour by putting out some constructively critical stuff occasionally, including looking inward from time to time.

E: Vladimir, let me know when you want to rejoin the real world.

V: Perhaps you've got a point, Estragon, maybe its time to stop the planet so I can get off.

Alex Reisner
The Funneled Web